How to Tailor a Self Help Program for your Childs Self Esteem

By Kevin Birch - 2007-11-09 Find more articles like this in our Child Disability and Health category.

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The principles that you read about for adults to overcome social anxiety and low self esteem also apply to young people.

As a parent, your role is to:

provide support

motivate your child to work on overcoming social anxiety

provide your child with opportunities for exposure

offer your child encouragement and praise when he or she succeeds
 
Here are 3 ways you can tailor and implement a self help program for your child self esteem:

 
1. Be a coach.

When an opportunity presents itself for your child to say something to another child or an adult, encourage him to speak up. For example, when you order food at a restaurant, ask your child to order for themselves. (Let your child practice with you beforehand, you can role-play that you're the waiter or the counter attendant.) They will probably talk quietly, and if they do, ask them to speak up. If they refuse, ask them to order dessert for the family later in the meal.  If they can't do it the first time, remember it is difficult for them and it's important not to show anger. Praise them for trying, and let them know that you're going to keep on urging them to try. (Whatever else you do - don't withhold the dessert! The reward is for effort, not for success!)

Let your child know that you are determined, and you're sure they will be able to do it soon. Positive motivation via rewards can help many children to tackle tough situations.

If possible, tie the reward directly to the behavior: "Tina, you may have a cookie if you go up to the counter, order it, and pay for it yourself."

For older children, the reward can be a fun activity that itself promotes further interaction with peers: "Erin, if you invite a friend over on Saturday evening, we'll order a pizza and a DVD".

With time, your child will keep on doing these things not just for the material payoff, but because it feels good to be confident!

 2. Be a matchmaker.

Manufacture opportunities for your child to interact socially with other children.  Sometimes socially anxious children don't want to play with other kids, and they can come up with some very creative excuses.  Let your child know that having friends is a vital part of life.  Make it a priority.  Invite another child to tag along with you and your daughter, and encourage her to make conversation, to express her feelings, and to make the other child feel welcome.  Encourage your daughter to invite her peers to hang out at your house.

 3. Be a role model.

Teach your child how to handle social situations.  The best way to do this is not by telling, but by showing.  And the best way to show is to let your child see you do things regularly in your everyday life.  Let your child see you look someone in the eye, firmly shake hands, and say "Pleased to meet you." 

It can also be useful to talk out loud while your child is listening about how to approach a challenging social situation.  For example, while getting ready to go out to a business dinner, you might say, "I'm going to be meeting some new people tonight. I'll be sure to say hi to everyone, even if I don't remember all the names later."

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