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Hard to Escape: A Collection of Disability Poems

Author: Alyssa D'Amico

Published: 2015-05-13 : (Rev. 2016-06-12)

Synopsis:

A collection of poetry relating to disability by Alyssa D'Amico.

Main Digest

HARD TO ESCAPE

Contents:

All poems (c) Alyssa D'Amico

SINGING A SONG

Pheno - combining chemical compounds

Barbital - a barbiturate with white crystalline powder. Used as a sedative.

Phenobarbital - an addictive' sedative' anti-depressant' anti-epileptic drug

Overdoses can be fatal

I am medically addicted and sometimes want more than needed

On it for 7'600 days of my life and it ain't over yet

Always above average with the amount of milligrams

Make sure her levels are upper 40s or 50s

No longer able to tell side effects

Because it barely shows

My body and brain depend on it

Wait' I'm feeling nervous today

Don't want an emotional seizure to happen

Should I sneak an extra 16.2 or 64.5 milligrams

Feeling slightly sedated

Eyes are watery' pupils are dilated

It's not noticeable

The fear left

After all it will eventually digest

Do I want a drink

Only if I'm willing to die

Or skip a dose and cause controversy

Damn' I'm dizzy

Is it the medication

Should I sit down

Someone pass me a bite to eat

I am shaking like a leaf

Don't continue this fight

Tolerance is going low

Aggressiveness is increasing

It is time to scream!!!!

Muscles are getting tight

Time to hit or push

What will come to my mind first

Deeply depressed on and off

Leave me alone

Clear-headed

Thinking of nothing

Or flash backs flying through my head

Lying alone to cry away

Less social

Listening to music describing myself

Some of those are so unhappy' how can that cheer you up

When will this depression end

Why did anything happen

Is there a meaning for me to be alive

Finally' my pieces are put back together

My memory is perfect

Yet others say no

Medication can effect that so much

Remember there's a learning disability

No and I will never agree!

Fluctuating fuzzy vision

Everything suddenly looks like Van Gogh painted it

Daydreaming? Give me a gold metal

Dreams so vivid

Let's turn it into a fiction story or poem

You want to know what it was about

Having hallucinations

Don't worry I know that monster isn't real

Confusion showing

What should I do concerning that

Remind me' did that really happen or was it a wish

Voices being heard

Music lines singing in my mind

Are these auras or am I going to overdose

It can happen either way

Discovering delusions

Stories made up

Acting like a nocturnal animal

Falling asleep four o'clock

More forgetful

Emotions unsteady

No longer sure about fact or fiction

Time to lower it again

I'm only on the second highest dose in the hospital I attend

"I don't know how you're not in a coma'

Or dead with how high it is and how small you are'" my epileptologist claims.

I'm feeling a small withdrawal

Dizziness' and psychiatric seizures occurring

A few days in a row

Don't feel any different!

Others claim I am!

"Clearer"

"Quicker"

"More aware"

And I don't know what to say

Face the facts things can be hard to ignore

I'm even afraid to come off

It's been too long

That's why I feel like singing this song

I am medically addicted and sometimes want more than needed

Phe-no-bar-bi-tal

STUPIDITY

A virus being shared

No matter how young the kids are

Some parents made them go in anyway

Fevers don't matter

Make the kids suffer

Ignoring how the child isn't feeling well

Not caring how it could be shared

Just to keep their reputation and grades

Running good and high

Perfect attendance! Wow!

Teachers not able to say anything

The principle holding herself back

To not cause trouble

Other parents having concern

Worried and annoyed

About parents not giving a care

Dangerous

Help' because some are now sick

Trapped inside at home

Fevers going up

Getting cared about

Hoping that nothing will happen

When will this winter be over

With how others are acting out of stupidity

Why can't health be understood

Doctors are out there

To make parents understand

Or are they too ignorant

And tired of it

UNKNOWN INFECTION

An unknown viral infection

Low immune system

Temperature going over 104

Not one doctor was able to define the disease

Mother caring for her

Doing everything possible

Until there was a dark night

Continuously calling her

"Come out of the bathroom. It's time for bed!"

Walked in and saw her body stiff and head back

Not having a clue on what to do

Tried to wake her up

But there was no response

Rushing to an emergency room

What could possibly be wrong

Will she wake up

Is my daughter going to die

Crying away

Finally her daughter woke up

A tiny six year old

Skinny and short

Getting a spinal tap over and over

Crying' "Make them stop!!

Mommy make them stop!!!"

Unfortunately' Mom was held back from the door of the room

Watching her being held down by seven nurses

And a spinal tap done several times in a row

Until it finally worked

But didn't identify what happened at all

Her parents and grandparents waiting

To know what was wrong

Seeing convulsions happen every half hour

Falling asleep after each time it happened

Talking in between

Still somehow smiling

Not sure about what was going on

Phenobarbital put in intravenously

No one diagnosing her

Until her father fought for Magnetic Resonance Imaging to be done

And she was put into an MRI

Slowly moved into a tube

Making all different sounds

Listening to the rules

Not to talk or move

She stayed perfectly still

Hearing' "How are you"

Her mother would ask on and off

"Good'" she answered

When over' and slowly moved out

The workers were astonished

She stayed so calm

And walked out standing straight

Not losing any happiness

Then what happened was finally defined

A seizure disorder

Scar tissue was detected

The left temporal lobe

What is there to do

Will be found out soon

MOMMY

Mommy is a seizure a bad thing

Does it really make me more stupid

"Not at all. You are still the same. Ignore it if you hear that."

Am I gonna die

Could you sleep with me tonight? I'm scared.

"You know I always do. There is a couch for both of us."

Yeah' he' he' he

Mom could you ever know what will happen the next day

"There are usually plans' but sometimes not everything happens' and you know what a surprise is"

Why do bad things happen? Why did I have to get epilepsy

"There is a reason for everything. You have to stay strong and never go against yourself."

I love you!

"Now let's get some sleep."

COME BACK

Missing weeks of that winter

The first grade teacher

Had students create get well cards

On construction paper

Multi-colored markers

Small drawings

A few sentences

Saying' "Get better"

"I miss you." "Come back soon."

The principle allowing her to stay

Even though she had to skip day after day

Friends were met outside of school

And

Eventually they got to see what was happening to her

When asked by a friend once' "What is a seizure"

She told her' "It's when the axons shoot neurons in the wrong directions."

Causing the friend to have a puzzled face

Learning neurology more and more

From hearing different medical terms every time

Asking what they are or mean

Putting up with being seen having one

NURSES

When in grammar school I had so many cool nurses

Every time I felt an aura occur

I had to tell the teacher or student near by

If able to walk downstairs

A teacher would ask all 35 students in my class' "Who wants to be Alyssa's nurse"

So many friends would raise their hands

I remember Greg the most

Saying to me' "My mom's a nurse. I'm one like her."

He was always the cutest to me

When downstairs the secretary would take care of me

And watch the seizure happen

When over would decide if it was a must to be picked up by my parents

Sometimes I really had no choice

Other points of time' I would pass out on the desk

And someone would need to tell the teacher

Or walk out of the classroom to get an adult

Watching me unconscious

Twitching and sucking

Young wondering what was happening

Staring

Not sure what to think

When once again waking up

Seeing me in a nervous state

Looking in different directions

Asking' "Did I have a seizure"

Over and over

Minutes letter getting asked' "Are you ok"

The teacher double checking that I am stable enough to stay

WAITING

Once again brought to an emergency room

In Long Island Jewish Hospital

The first attended'

An admission desk on the left

Blue seats connected to the wall

Around a rectangular room

A young girl waiting

Not fully sure

About everything happening around her

Asking mom' "What's wrong with that person"

When seeing people unable to walk

Drooling

A skinny elder man with glasses sitting across

Tilting his head to the left

Moving his arms

With a grown woman on the same side

Talking to him

It must have been his daughter

All her mother would say is' "Don't point' that's not polite. There is just something wrong."

She would sit there waiting for hours

Sometimes until 12am

Other times until 4am

Talking to her mom

Falling sleep on her arm

Her father would go to the desk asking' "Is she going to be taken in next"

Finally her name was called

The nurses were dressed all in white

With a skirt

Long sleeve shirt

And old fashioned nurse hat

Only thing' an intern took the blood

It was simple because her veins always showed

But he forget to connect a tube at the end

And it went shooting all over the place

Until a nurse went and pushed him with her whole body

Saying' "GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

Catching it just in time

After taking the needle out

The nurse asked the little girl' "What Band-Aid do you want"

She pointed to one with the Power Rangers

Exiting the room through another door

Continuing to wait

Now lying down on a gurney

Sleeping and enjoying her dreams

Finally placed in the Children's Neurology Center

Woken up when brought to a room

So a hep-lock placed on her

In case a serious seizure was to occur

Oh' NO!! Now it's time for an EEG to be glued

Lying back on the bed

With electrodes being glued to her head

Connected to wires

On the temporal lobes and rest of the head

To record the seizures

A needle injecting glue under each

Needing to be updated every now and then

She spoke to the EEG Technologist

And mother' as it was put on

A net was put over her head

To keep them in place

Don't touch it! Don't chew gum! Take all jewelry off!

The wires were plugged into a rectangular box

With a long wire

So she could walk around the room

And kept track of brainwaves

To see where the seizures came from

And if there were abnormal brain waves

There were also two cameras' so if a seizure happens

It is recorded from every direction

Press the button if you feel or see anything

Her father then went back home

And mother always stayed

To see the doctor the next day

It was a routine that was continually seen

AURA

Prediction of a seizure

Movie scenes flashing through the mind

Making emotions change so quickly

Eyes twitch or stare thinking of it

Slight loss of hearing

Roger Rabbit cartoons being melted to bits

The Fox and the Hound

Todd needs to find a place to stay

Joy Ride' Black Sheep destroyed the joy in both boys

Cause of how he was a violent stalker and refused to go away

Thinking of past tense pain

Parkside Hospital being stuck in an emergency room for hours

Seeing the face of an ex

Trying to escape a mysterious maze

That has pretty dreary coloring

Hearing voices come around saying what is happening

And what to do

Music lyrics heard out of no where

Sights that can only be seen by me

Until everything is over

TINY TEACHER

Third grade the seizures were out of control

Happening almost everyday

Going with mom to work

Helping to control the children in PS 7

Workers saying' "She's so cute and looks just like you!"

Is a comment her mother heard at the beginning

Getting a free lunch

Socializing with adults

Some giving her work to do

To help and have fun with a kindergarten class

Passing paper and pens around

Telling them to sit down

Walking with the para in front of the students

Making sure they held hands

"Go to a worker you know' if you feel any aura'" her mother said

She never stood alone

Unless she had to deliver something to another classroom

All of a sudden an aura would come

Movies flashing through her mind

She automatically sat down

Going unconscious

With the right eye twitching

Sucking

And right hand shaking

Whoever was around would sit her down

Timing it

Taking care of her and'

Try to call her mother in time

Nervously waking up

Looking around her

Needing some space'

Once fully awake

Spending the rest of the day with mom

In and out of the school aid office

Where there were three others to talk to

And as a true extrovert talking to a new person

Never hurt

Let's not forget how one of them would send her to the office

To bring messages

And punch them back in after lunch

The principal had so much respect

To even allow her to be there

After a certain period of time

Almost all the workers knew her name

Forget-about-it' one teacher she was forbidden to go to

Supposedly she did witchcraft

Today she laughs at that

Not being afraid

Nor was she ever

Yet one para would get paranoid

She was a brave little brat

Facing being epileptic

NOT ENOUGH

Neurosurgery was recommended 1996

Running across a well noted doctor

Making an appointment with him

But a description of scar tissue and seizures

Just wasn't enough

Hearing his response'

"I don't do those simple kinds of brain surgery

I only do more serious brain surgeries."

Looking back today

Worldwide noted or not

I don't give him one bit of credit

With such a disrespectful remark

Faces can fool you

When the attitude is different inside

Instead acting stubborn

Irresponsible

Bad-mannered

God-Like

Five years later

He ironically passed away

After practicing as a neurosurgeon

All his life

He died because of brain damage

And helped over 2'500 people

Except for me

I wonder' did he say that remark to other patients too

It doesn't matter anymore

After all his work is done

1997 SECURE SURGEON

The surgeon simply skipped steps

Mapping isn't meant for

There is no reason to do it

On the left temporal lobe

Take off all medication

And wait for a seizure to occur

To know exactly where it comes from

After all' he just filed the scar tissue down

Not thinking that her brain

Wasn't even fully grown

At the age of nine

Instead of getting them under control

Or helping

It hurt her

Causing an LD

In other words' learning disability

And always have abnormal brain waves

Today as an adult

She thanks God

He didn't damage her speech

Writing or movement on the right side of the body

But whenever that name is now heard

It is annoying and puts her through pain

Her only recommendation is not to go to him

EXTRA TIME

Please give extra time for tests

Or else it may not be finished

Especially for writing

I could move in reverse

Calm down

Don't curse

There is nothing wrong

Just go in that extra room

Made for people like you

Others say you are as normal

As anyone else

A strong person

With how you carry on

But sometimes that can be hard to believe

You never know what will happen next

Go from top grades

To one of the lowest in the class

Feeling like there is no way to move on

Wondering' "Am I gonna get held back? What high school will do"

"Where can I get to"

RECOMMENDATIONS

Try a disability public school

I will possibly do better

Parents listened so fast

Chatting with my original friends

On the brand new AOL online

So cool

Keeping in touch

Still getting together on and off

One day I got so upset

That I ran out of IS 119

Called Joann 718-862-1947

And told her to pick me up

Before they catch up and hit me down to the ground

There was no control

Workers were fools

Just on time

Joann was there with care

SKIPPING

Skipping class

So no one would see her around

Talking to the nurse

Crying about problems

Usually calling her grandparents

To pick her up

Since they lived in the same neighborhood

Out early

Over their house

Raising her voice

Ranting and Raving

How she gets mistreated in

The new school

And that there was nothing much to learn

The workers to her

Had barely any concern

They tried to calm her down

But it didn't work

Her parents came

To pick her up

With smiles on their faces

While she looked at them in a state of fury

Making disrespectful statements

"What are you so happy about"

Ready to fight about that topic

Then suddenly they said'

"You're going back to OLM!"

She was in a state of shock

And over joyed

Telling friends

How she was coming back

The next day

Once again walking to the third floor

To Sister Francisca's classroom

When slowly turning the doorknob

The lights went on' out of nowhere

"Surprise'" was screamed out of everyone's mouth

Getting to walk around

And talk early in the morning

Feeling once again happy and welcomed

Where she was

PUT 'EM UP

Keppra is one of the best epileptic medications

But stayed on me for only a number of days

Let's put it this way

Less than a month

My father raised his voice to me

By the door of where we lived

And my reaction was

Holding my fists like a boxer

Saying' "Put' em up! Put' em up!"

Jumping' maybe I watched

Too many boxing matches

With family

Needed to be calmed down by mom

Giving her difficulty

Parents looked at each other

Thinking the same

Take her to the hospital

There is something wrong

With how she's acting once again

It must be the medication

CONVERSATION

An adolescent patient

Walking in to see her neurologist

"I would recommend for her to have a second surgery done. Are there any questions" the doctor asked

"I would like to ask a question privately"

"Sure'" he said and told her parents to get out

She got close' sitting down and said

"What do you want to do? Crack my head open"

"Yes! That is what I want do! Crack heads open to help children like you. That is what I live for!"

Staring in each other's eyes with anger inside

Only an inch away

Him stamping out

And parents startled

Not knowing what to say

A second operation taking place

Only a bit is being removed

That's not much

Left temporal lobe is not' after all' the most dangerous kind

60 to 80% chance to help

7 % for damage to be done

This is going to be so much fun!

Fear forced inside

Medication being taken off to see where the removal will be

Waiting for a seizure to happen

Suddenly one happened

It is now time for the surgery to take place

After a few days

Finally it is done

She was let free

Walking out the hospital door

Until a seizure once again occurs

Unconscious and down

Shaking and sucking

Take her back in

Connect another EEG

Let's see what happened

Falling deeply asleep

Which way did the brain waves move

A new research to do

Waiting patiently to be let free

And

For it to end

DOTS OF BLOOD

Stitches are too simple to take out

Staples are put through the skull

To have the bones grow back together

Not able to wash it with soap

Removed after four days

Twenty -seven in

Pulled out one at a time

Pain every time

"Don't whine! You are strong."

Eyes watering

Still talking

While seeing dots of blood

Finally done

And time to go

It will be fully healed in six to twelve months

Don't worry some of the hair will grow back

You'll never be fully bald

Touch it as little as possible

Because it could get itchy

If it hurts take an Advil

That can always help

Tylenol can interfere with medication levels

Come back in about three months

So we can do a check up

LOOK AT

When back in school

People and students knew

What she went through

Some asking' "Where was it done"

Lifting her hair and showing the scar

Some speechless and others

Had responses and comments or asked more

Telling her mom who it was showed to

Almost everyday

Her mother had to explain

How it didn't need to be shared with everybody

And not to answer every question

It's not cool

So don't think it is something to show off

At first she didn't understand

But learned overtime how it was wrong

And to stop

Make a part in the center or on the right

So it will not show

A low pony tail is better

Don't make braids in that section

Brush your hair not your head

That may hurt

Especially that it is still fresh

But no matter what remember'

"You will always be the best!"

PERFECT PATIENT

Again another surgical recommendation

From the same doctor at NYU

What could you do

This is going to be the third time'

But is almost fully guaranteed

95 to 98% chance of it working

Why' isn't it worth it

Seeing some of the most well-known neurologist

For a second opinion

Traveling to Yale for one

Talking on the phone with another on the west cost

Every person saying' "Yes' she is a good candidate for this. It is definitely going to work."

By 2001

She understood more of what would be done

There was not a fight

This time she went along with it

Still having a small fear

Sometimes going into the hospital

Made her upset

Whether it was for medication' or seizure activity

But let's make this decrease and finally end

Surgery will be the solution

Schedule a date

So she will be prepared

And all tests can be done

To make sure everything that takes place is right

"And done properly concerning me."

FAVORITES

Talking to the nurse practitioner' Alison

As her parents would listen to the surgeon

They would discuss so many things

Music' cute boys' friends' family' class'

Seizures' nicknames' movies

Some of her most favorite games

Eighth grade graduation and prom

So that person knew all her secretes

But was very confidential with it

Keeping a smile on her face

And a promise to be there during the surgery

CAUGHT IN A STORM

What a beautiful day. Winters just a coming' and it is beginning to snow. I laid on it looking up at the flakes falling on me and around myself was all white. I was even getting buried in it. There was a bar by my feet' flowers all on the left' Alice in Wonderland hiding away from hideous characters yet looking to help. Imagination can run wild in my head. In real life none of this could be said. All of this is a fiction and lie. In real life' I was lying in a surgical room. With all white walls' large lights shining down. Feeling tickles of oxygen hit my brain. It was so insane. Seeing slight centimeters of it. Surrounded by six different doctors and a surgeon standing behind. Hearing their voices and what I needed to say in order to keep away from my speech. The flowers were Doctor Bloom' Bar is Doctor Bar and Alice in Wonderland is Alison a nurse practitioner that knew my little secrets' promising to be there. After a period of time I lost myself repeating the alphabet over and over. Alison then jumped out from behind the bushes to help by asking the final questions in order for the surgery to end. For my secrets were finally let out. What might they be? Here is a list in order for you see!

Alison: What is your nickname

Alyssa: IA

Alison: What does IA stand for

Alyssa: Italian and American

Alison: Who's cute

Alyssa: Frankie' he's the best!

Alison: Who is better N'Sync or The Backstreet Boys

Alyssa: N'Sync they're N'Stink! The Backstreet Boys are better!

What a giggle we heard out of all the doctors' mouths. Then again we were the only females in the room and who can ever know better than us. After the questions it was time to stop. For the surgeon felt he was too close to speech and is now done with this piece. On the way' getting out of the snow' I fell into a deep sleep while listening to a present from the surgeon' the song' "I'm Slim Shady"

DID IT WORK

The answer is no

A complex partial happened

Only thing this time

When she was still in

The surgeon stopped by that night

Discussing it with her mother

Waking her up

"Hi Dr. Layod'" she said

Smiling with an EEG on her head

He showed how it upset him

She asked questions to fully understand

What happened and why it may not have worked

Basically the whole Hippocampus

Was removed from the left temporal lobe

A fake skull put over that location

Unseeable and never feel it

8 baby scars formed

Centimeters long

Like tiny circles

One in the back center of the skull

As mom always said'

"Don't forget to cover the hole in your head'"

MILES

Friends coming to visit me

After the surgery

On the way stopping at FAO Schwarz

Buying this adorable stuffed dog

While trying to figure out what its name should be

Dr. Miles walked in to check up on me

And the response he got was'

"I'm gonna name him Miles. Like you."

His face turned red blushing

Yet very happy

And a promise was made that if I ever got a real dog

That would be his name

TIME'S UP

Time's up

And she is finally out

There's no place like home

Take the EEG wires off her head

Such a smelly chemical liquid

Pack those bags up

Get dressed

Here's a hat to cover the glue on your head

Now jump in dad's car

He's out front

Continuously talking

Then finally home

Walking upstairs

Holding Milles in her arms

Taking the hat off

Having dried glue

Rain from her head to toe

Getting on everything around her

Let's wash her hair

Before it gets all over

Washing it up to eight times in a row

Brushing the knots out

And combing the scalp

To get enough of the glue off

Don't do it over there anymore

Or else she will get a cut

Be most gentle on left side

Try to do it around' not on top of the scar

Sitting there for almost an hour

Certain things were so hard in the 90's

The glue didn't change until the early 21st century

Don't worry we got most of it out

More will come off every time

She washes and brushes her hair

And it will eventually be all gone

HORRIBLE HIGH SCHOOL

The first high school attended' the workers were unprofessional

Except for three

Every time a seizure occurred in the nurse's office

She was a disrespectful' irresponsible' smart-ass

Laughing at and ignoring me

Being looked at by other students and asked'

"what's wrong? Why are you being ignored"

My shoulders would just go up

With a facial expression

Social fights

Acted like the wicked witch of the west

Putting her index finger in front of my eye

Saying' "I see you'" for a minute or two

Mom went in to have a discussion

And settle things with her

But that didn't work

The best part is that the nurse

Remembered mom from high school

But neither her or a friend remember the nurse

This may have made it worse

Complaints put in

But that did not do much

Even making statements to me

When I was fine

Walking in the hallway

Skipping or changing class

Never got in trouble for anything

Thank Christ the King High School

Only in regard to that

GYM TEST

Hanging out with friends

Sitting on the floor of the gym

Waiting for the teacher to come in

Midterm time

So today is the test

You need to do 100 sit-ups

85 push-ups' a pull-up

And run a mile

Sit-ups are simple

Make us do more

Push-ups can be a challenge

But running not sure

It was a steaming hot day

And it had to be done outside

After running around the track four times

You were done

Student after student sitting down

Until I was the only one

Asking to stop

Out of breath

Over dizzy

Not sure if I was going to pass out

But she refused for it to end

Unfortunately the bell didn't ring yet

All of my friends got up and went around

With me and holding me

Making sure I wouldn't fall

Finishing the last round with me

Then giving an applause when done

Saying how great I was

Passing water over

Watching the teacher

Walk away

When ready we walked to the changing room

To get back in our usual uniforms

Ring' Ring' Ring time to learn religion

RACISM and RELIGION

On the first day in religion class

There were only seven students

When the teacher entered

She said' "You' sit in the back!"

With an attitude tone of voice

Looking at her

I asked' "Why"

"Go in the back'" she replied

African American teacher

Having other students repeat her'

"Get to the back of the room."

"No whites allowed up front."

Until I moved

Somehow listened to rules

After all when it comes to religion

It is important to believe

God is the only one that can understand

Everything

Why listen

When her voice is unbearable

Why stay

When being the minority

Why work hard

When it doesn't count

Why not just walk out

When no one gets mad

Why give a care

SCHOOL of MY DREAMS

I got accepted to the high school of my dreams

And was so excited to start

Located in the city

One of the most fun places to be

The classes are smaller and better

Students I met before time were so much fun

But then things changed

New building' new location

Surrounded by all these spiteful' bitchy people

Who were so well to do

Not willing to accept middle class

Living in Queens was not the thing

Acting differently

Polo Sport was so cool

They placed me in the lowest classes

My parents agreed it wasn't the right stage for me

But they refused

Even concerning art and that is a talent inside

Friends

The only one met who was good

Is a boyfriend that understood

As Kelly Clarkson says'

"I know that I have issues

But he's pretty messed up too"

No matter what' we accepted each other

And love grew day after day

That will never go away

BREAKING HEARTS and BONES

A high school girl waking up in the morning

Dressing up as a whore
Because of how her boyfriend was getting tricked by them
Telling him what to do
Walking out of her room
Her father held her against the wall
With a fist in front of her face
Yelling how he will hit her if she doesn't change
But that didn't change her thoughts
So he continued the same move over and over
Until she ran back in her room
Hearing him trying to break in
She thought of a recently seen movie

Putting on a pair of leather gloves

Getting a piece rope
Assumed she was able to climb out her window
From the second floor
Falling back first
911 was called
Clothes ripped off by EMT to see if everything was ok
Rushed to the nearest hospital
Still alive
But barely aware
Only having a broken ankle
Another surgery was recommended on the other
But her mother fought "No"
And made her go to the hospital where she goes
Waking up in NYU
Doctors were worried
Thought it was a suicide attempt
Sending a psychiatrist in to talk

All she said about committing suicide
Was that suicide wasn't the goal

She just wanted to get away from him

Explaining what the father was doing and saying that

She couldn't leave in those clothes
Later' with her right ankle in a cast and elevated
Her favorite jacket cut open to make sure everything was okay
Father actually felt bad
Wishing he just allowed her to leave
Receiving flowers from the love she almost died for
Because of how she wanted to dress like a whore
He came to visit every day
Making her feel better
Mom at the same point furious that it happened because of him
But he was somehow forgiven
The hospital was refusing to allow her out after almost two weeks
To study her and make sure all is well
But her parents pushed them to discharge her

When attending school

Walking with crutches was hard to get up the stairs

The two assistant deans watching her step by step

Then suddenly when her boyfriend noticed her

He held her in his arms

Carrying her up the stairs

Workers watching them with smiles

Students pointing and gossiping

Girls having jealousy

Drug addicts wanting his money like everyone else

Except her

She couldn't care more about anything' but him

The cast came off perfect timing

For her prom

Bringing her love

Photography taken over his house

Put on a website with many others

Enjoying that night together

Teachers talking

Why care

Who are they

Besides drunks

Traveling around the city in a limousine

Close together

Happily having a blast

Remembering different moments

DRINK

Depressed after having her heart broken

Drinking a mudslide midday' at a bar near college

On medications that can cause levels to go off' a coma or die

Let's hope a seizure doesn't happen

A strange man noticing

That she wasn't walking right

Able to fall' with watery eyes

Not able to talk without a slurry voice

He offered help

Then held her up

Found out about her condition

Walking to Saint Luke's Hospital

Not that much further

Finally when getting there

He described everything possible

And waited for her to get in

Then wished good luck

While waiting she wasn't sure what to think of

When asked what was wrong

She said' "I take phenobabl and drank a drink."

They investigated her consciousness

If understanding

Does the stomach need to be pumped

Should she be admitted

Let's give her some time and see if she gets better.

Lying down for hours

Waiting to know if anything needed to be done

Getting tired of it

Finally a doctor walked in

Deciding that nothing needed to be done

Relax and you can leave in a bit

When time to discharge

She lied about everything

So others would not find out

Different name' phone number' address and ID

SEIZURE TIME

A seizure

Doesn't please ya

Like a body teaser

Fall to the ground

With no sound

Shaking round and round

People looking down

Thinking what they see

Just let that person be

Don't get too close

This ain't no joke

As a matter of fact it's no good

Call 911 like you should

Stop having your fun

Try and help!

Or else that person can just melt

And

Have no more life or health

POSTICTAL

"Was I mean"

"Do I know everything that is seen"

"What happened again"

"I don't remember that."

"You must be kidding"

Feeling nervous' hyper and barely aware

Now I'm scared!

Moving my head in all different directions

Not sure of what I see or say

"Did I... Did I have..."

"Where did you say"

"That's where you want me to go"

"Nooo..."

"Leave me alone!"

"I don't care!"

"It was just a stare."

"No ordeal' lets gets real."

"Wait' was I mean"

"Did I go against the team"

"Am I a normal human being"

"I don't know where to be"

"Not sure' I see..."

"Just bring me home and not leave me alone' waiting for a room."

Here comes another week of doom

NEW

Recommended a new medication

Happy and hoping it would work

Today wishing I was never on it

And how it ruined that year

Now afraid of any up to date epileptic medication

Refusing to go on any

Because of the results from that medication

All I can say is obviously it didn't work

Enough or correctly with me

No I don't recommend it

This is advice I will give to others like myself

It is not safe' it hurt and did not help

All I want is myself

VIMPAT

On Vimpat
Vicious
Irritating
Mental
Poor patients
Abnormal actions
Threatening

A beautiful spring day
Getting ready
For the next course
Just finished making
A perfect power point 2010
Printed it
Then fell backwards
Unable to get up
Still somewhat aware
At 125 pounds
Her father picked her up somehow
She was acting differently
While their puppy Miles was licking her away
Father trying to stop Miles
But she hit him away every time
He immediately called his wife
When home
Mom wasn't even allowed near
911 was called quick
Put into the ambulance
With an oxygen mask on
Because she was not breathing properly
In a detrimental condition
Her father was fighting
To bring her to NYU and not Elmhurst Hospital
Which took a while to work
Driving to the city
Only remembering
Bring rushed through
The halls of the hospital
And falling asleep
The doctor had to take her off of Vimpat
A medication she was on for a year
An EEG on as usual
Being told to press the button
If a feeling' seizure or suicidal thoughts occur
Keep her in until
She is in good condition

To be once again free
You want a Wii to play
Having a hep-lock
In her right wrist
She was a lefty for a week and a half
Finally time to leave

After about nine days
Back in college
Everyone that knew her said'
"You look more happy."
That was interesting to her
She didn't know how different
It made her act in certain ways
Then again it caused depression
To happen more often
Secrets and ideas were hidden

But now free from Vimpat

Vicious
Irritating
Mental
Poor patients
Abnormal actions
Threatening

SEX SCENE

Allowed to get up out of bed

For a limited amount of exercise

Let's unplug the EEG

Carry the box in a beautiful blue recyclable bag

Only one long hallway

"What window do you want to walk to first" asked the nurse

"The right since its night."

Socializing with the nurse walking toward the window

Counting how many workers are still in the building across

Like playing' Where's Waldo

Who will win finding more

Are they going to keep score

" Let's turn around now

And walk to the other window." the nurse said

So they did a 360o twist

In other words a full circle

Walking in the opposite direction

Almost there

Finally looking out the window

Watching the cars drive

How many bikes were around at that hour

Then all of a sudden looking in the windows of an apartment building across the street

The patient saw such a sex scene

Two people doing it

With the blinds open

The guy on the bottom

Must of been screaming

"Get it in!"

She then looked at the nurse and said' "Their having sex!"

The nurse at first didn't notice

Then said' "They are having sex. Don't they want privacy"

The patient said' "Does anyone want privacy in that building? I mean the blinds are always open on almost every window."

"True' true but let's start walking back and stop watching a live sex show." The nurse told her.

They laughed away

Making fun of those people

Seeing what they had to say

Time is up and back to the room

Let's get plugged in

"And don't forget you can't get out' go to the bathroom or bed without pressing the button to tell us."

All the patient said back was "Thank you very much!" Still laughing away about what was seen on that day

HARD to ESCAPE

It is hard to escape

When feeling in outer space

How will life be

What is wrong with me

I am blinded and cannot see

Fear can sometimes be near

At this point' it is all up to you for what to do

Medication can be noticed

Side effects can show

How many fingers do I see

You put up one' but I see three

Fuzzy vision

Viewing double

Another delusion

Making up stories

Seizures out of control

Not having a say

Make that headache go away!

Suffering everyday

But don't give up today

A cure is waiting to be found

Doctors searching all around

To figure out what to do

Hospitals can make you feel alone

When in real life

Others are there that do care

Everyone waiting for epilepsy to go and stay away

When feeling in outer space

It is hard to escape

CONTROL LOST

Neurons over-active

Moving in all different directions

Seizure after seizure

Memory lost

Waking up either in a hospital or on the floor

Barely able to walk out of the door

Someone needs to be with you

No matter where you go

Whether it's a friend or family

Medication increasing

Causing you to get down in the dumps

Side effects increasing

Not helping a bit

Just sit there and wait

For things to get straight

ALONE

Drop to the ground

With no sound

Surrounded by darkness

And

Not a person around

To help with these twitches and turns

Times running fast

You never know how long a seizure could last

Hours are too long

Someone come before life is gone

Sent to the emergency room

With people all around

Barley able to understand a word or sound

Going into a deep sleep

And

Woken up alone in bed

Wondering what happened

Until noticing the hair became ultra-long

And

Is all different colors: red' blue' green and yellow

These wires run tests

To help find which treatment is the best

How long will it take

No one knows

An EEG can last hours' days or weeks

But try and remember to have no fright

And that everything will be alright

Believe in yourself

Don't lose faith

Something will be found one day

Then everything will be okay

TERROR

In an ambulance

After having a complex partial seizure in New York

People making a mountain out of a mole hill

Overly postictal

Full of fear

Wondering why'd this happen

Where are these people coming from

Are they going to hurt me

Let me free!!!

Stop touching me!!!

Getting more nervous every time a hand touched

What happened again

Repeating' "DID I HAVE A SEIZURE? DID I HAVE A SEIZURE"

Swiggling over and over

Hand cuffed to the gurney

No friend or family near

To calm me down

Driven to a hospital

Waiting alone

In an emergency room

Getting looked at by others

"What do they think"

Seeing so many more serious cases

With oxygen masks

Wires on the heart

Weird looking things

That I don't even know what they are

Well' I'm here again

Is all I can say

When still aware

Because I am so used to the atmosphere' sights and treatments

How long it can take for a worker to come over

Can even describe some locations off of the top my head

When will a doctor show up

So I can get out

Anxiety

Getting exhausted

Falling asleep

Not making a peep

Until finally awoken

After hours went past

By a doctor checking up

Asking tons of questions

Why are you here

Is there a disease or disorder

What kind of seizures do you have

Who is your doctor

Are you on medication

If so which ones

What is your insurance

Where do you live

Let's check the blood pressure

Temperature is a little low 95.2

Now it's time to take blood

Wait where are the veins

I got stabbed by needles one too many times

Since a kid

So now their hidden

Still try and get it in

Sitting up straight

Holding the arm still

Think one was found

Wait it didn't work

Show me the other arm

Make a fist

Hold it tight

Touch' touch

It is time to try again

Missed it

Let's move the needle to the left

Now to the right

Undo the wrist now

Finally got one done

Good' now let me out!!!

It is time to be discharged

I waited one too many hours

UP and DOWN

Did the levels go up

Or head down

Is it causing depression

Making the person

Not fully aware of what is going on

Feeling like all that is done is wrong

Randomly falling asleep

Turning dreams into real life

Suicide and self-abuse

Will that hurt

Wondering why certain things had to happen

Could life change and get better or is that unreal

Hallucinations standing there

Getting unsure about the real world

Forgetting what was about to be said

Spelling left the person's head

How did that happen

Tongue twisted

Staring off

Feeling bare

Colors showing up in the air

And like nothing is fair

Or levels going down

Making a seizure happen everyday

The person feels that there is no more to say

Being in and out of the hospital

Admitting knows the person

The name rolls off their tongue

Not knowing what to do

Raise this' lower that' put another on' take that off

How about a diet

Too hard to keep

Is it time for surgery

Life' what is there to do

Getting interference while at work

Seeing fuzzy

Gaining weight

Losing weight

Not thinking straight

Wishes wanted

Will they eventually come true

There is help for the person

Having seizure after seizure

Something needs to be figured out

It is time to check the levels

Did they go up

Or head down

VOICE IS GETTING HOARSE

With the Vagus Nerve Stimulator

Voice is getting hoarse

On and off

It could be annoying

Surgically placed below the skin of the upper chest

An electrode is attached

To one of the 12 vagus nerves of the body

In the neck

Feeling it as if it is on top of the part

Randomly coughing

Eyes watering

Overly itchy throat

Losing the voice

Barely able to talk

Or feel pain on the throat

Afraid to talk

Wait patiently for it to go away

Texting is ok

A magnet needed to be worn

Connecting onto whatever it feels like

Friends find that amusing

It is fun to play with making spoons

Move around in circles

At points of time it feels like a toy

And I think of it as body art

Even though seizures can still start

They are less often and less severe

Most of the time staying aware

But no matter what

It is a scare

They are stopped or only seconds long

By swiping a magnet to the chest

Whenever it is needed to be used

Stimulation traveling

Voice going monotone for about a minute

It may look strange and be misunderstood

Yet worth making the voice hoarse on and off

Don't talk

Wait until it's back to normal some say

But it really doesn't matter

Some asking if my throat was slit

Where do you get that from

What is that person's age again

Interviewers asking questions

It could be annoying

Yet controlling and helpful

On and off the voice getting hoarse

Having a Vagus Nerve Stimulator

EPILEPSY

Epilepsy is a part of me

You can take it or leave it

Because it may not go away

As a matter of fact

It may be here to stay

Am I ok? Yes I am!

You tell me how my chemistry is

What was that

I'm jerking around

Trying to say words

But they wouldn't come out

Slightly shaking hands

It could be a difficulty to stand

Let me sit

Or slowly slide myself down against something

Being watched

Partially aware

Almost over

Stay strong

There is nothing wrong

Back to normal

Whatever that means

Let me continue with what I was going to do

Epilepsy is a part of me

Which makes me unique

In a different way

Keep my head up

And never give up

Cause winners never quit

Quitters never win

And I chose to be a winner

Never forget every day and every way

We get better and better

No matter what anyone has to say

DIFFERENT GIRL

I am a different girl

From a different world

A different race

With a different face

From another dimension

I am dealing with a different case

I am an unknown species

Unique in many ways

Have an imagination that runs wild

Am able to fly

Because dreams are coming true

I glow in the dark

I am filled with ultimate powers

And have a real heart

Don't have much to say or do

Some people of the world are prejudice against me

Because they don't understand what they see

I am a different girl

From a different world

ACCEPTANCE

What is there really different to see

About anyone' including me

We are all just the same

Some who have epilepsy are or were in fame

All people are unique in their own way

And there is nothing more to say

All poems (c) Alyssa D'Amico

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