"What a beautiful day. Winters just a comin' and it is beginning to snow. I laid on it looking up at the flakes falling on me and around myself was all white..."
HARD TO ESCAPE
Contents:
All poems (c) Alyssa D'Amico
SINGING A SONG
Pheno - combining chemical compounds
Barbital - a barbiturate with white crystalline powder. Used as a sedative.
Phenobarbital - an addictive' sedative' anti-depressant' anti-epileptic drug
Overdoses can be fatal
I am medically addicted and sometimes want more than needed
On it for 7'600 days of my life and it ain't over yet
Always above average with the amount of milligrams
Make sure her levels are upper 40s or 50s
No longer able to tell side effects
Because it barely shows
My body and brain depend on it
Wait' I'm feeling nervous today
Don't want an emotional seizure to happen
Should I sneak an extra 16.2 or 64.5 milligrams
Feeling slightly sedated
Eyes are watery' pupils are dilated
It's not noticeable
The fear left
After all it will eventually digest
Do I want a drink
Only if I'm willing to die
Or skip a dose and cause controversy
Damn' I'm dizzy
Is it the medication
Should I sit down
Someone pass me a bite to eat
I am shaking like a leaf
Don't continue this fight
Tolerance is going low
Aggressiveness is increasing
It is time to scream!!!!
Muscles are getting tight
Time to hit or push
What will come to my mind first
Deeply depressed on and off
Leave me alone
Clear-headed
Thinking of nothing
Or flash backs flying through my head
Lying alone to cry away
Less social
Listening to music describing myself
Some of those are so unhappy' how can that cheer you up
When will this depression end
Why did anything happen
Is there a meaning for me to be alive
Finally' my pieces are put back together
My memory is perfect
Yet others say no
Medication can effect that so much
Remember there's a learning disability
No and I will never agree!
Fluctuating fuzzy vision
Everything suddenly looks like Van Gogh painted it
Daydreaming? Give me a gold metal
Dreams so vivid
Let's turn it into a fiction story or poem
You want to know what it was about
Having hallucinations
Don't worry I know that monster isn't real
Confusion showing
What should I do concerning that
Remind me' did that really happen or was it a wish
Voices being heard
Music lines singing in my mind
Are these auras or am I going to overdose
It can happen either way
Discovering delusions
Stories made up
Acting like a nocturnal animal
Falling asleep four o'clock
More forgetful
Emotions unsteady
No longer sure about fact or fiction
Time to lower it again
I'm only on the second highest dose in the hospital I attend
"I don't know how you're not in a coma'
Or dead with how high it is and how small you are'" my epileptologist claims.
I'm feeling a small withdrawal
Dizziness' and psychiatric seizures occurring
A few days in a row
Don't feel any different!
Others claim I am!
"Clearer"
"Quicker"
"More aware"
And I don't know what to say
Face the facts things can be hard to ignore
I'm even afraid to come off
It's been too long
That's why I feel like singing this song
I am medically addicted and sometimes want more than needed
Phe-no-bar-bi-tal
STUPIDITY
A virus being shared
No matter how young the kids are
Some parents made them go in anyway
Fevers don't matter
Make the kids suffer
Ignoring how the child isn't feeling well
Not caring how it could be shared
Just to keep their reputation and grades
Running good and high
Perfect attendance! Wow!
Teachers not able to say anything
The principle holding herself back
To not cause trouble
Other parents having concern
Worried and annoyed
About parents not giving a care
Dangerous
Help' because some are now sick
Trapped inside at home
Fevers going up
Getting cared about
Hoping that nothing will happen
When will this winter be over
With how others are acting out of stupidity
Why can't health be understood
Doctors are out there
To make parents understand
Or are they too ignorant
And tired of it
UNKNOWN INFECTION
An unknown viral infection
Low immune system
Temperature going over 104
Not one doctor was able to define the disease
Mother caring for her
Doing everything possible
Until there was a dark night
Continuously calling her
"Come out of the bathroom. It's time for bed!"
Walked in and saw her body stiff and head back
Not having a clue on what to do
Tried to wake her up
But there was no response
Rushing to an emergency room
What could possibly be wrong
Will she wake up
Is my daughter going to die
Crying away
Finally her daughter woke up
A tiny six year old
Skinny and short
Getting a spinal tap over and over
Crying' "Make them stop!!
Mommy make them stop!!!"
Unfortunately' Mom was held back from the door of the room
Watching her being held down by seven nurses
And a spinal tap done several times in a row
Until it finally worked
But didn't identify what happened at all
Her parents and grandparents waiting
To know what was wrong
Seeing convulsions happen every half hour
Falling asleep after each time it happened
Talking in between
Still somehow smiling
Not sure about what was going on
Phenobarbital put in intravenously
No one diagnosing her
Until her father fought for Magnetic Resonance Imaging to be done
And she was put into an MRI
Slowly moved into a tube
Making all different sounds
Listening to the rules
Not to talk or move
She stayed perfectly still
Hearing' "How are you"
Her mother would ask on and off
"Good'" she answered
When over' and slowly moved out
The workers were astonished
She stayed so calm
And walked out standing straight
Not losing any happiness
Then what happened was finally defined
A seizure disorder
Scar tissue was detected
The left temporal lobe
What is there to do
Will be found out soon
MOMMY
Mommy is a seizure a bad thing
Does it really make me more stupid
"Not at all. You are still the same. Ignore it if you hear that."
Am I gonna die
Could you sleep with me tonight? I'm scared.
"You know I always do. There is a couch for both of us."
Yeah' he' he' he
Mom could you ever know what will happen the next day
"There are usually plans' but sometimes not everything happens' and you know what a surprise is"
Why do bad things happen? Why did I have to get epilepsy
"There is a reason for everything. You have to stay strong and never go against yourself."
I love you!
"Now let's get some sleep."
COME BACK
Missing weeks of that winter
The first grade teacher
Had students create get well cards
On construction paper
Multi-colored markers
Small drawings
A few sentences
Saying' "Get better"
"I miss you." "Come back soon."
The principle allowing her to stay
Even though she had to skip day after day
Friends were met outside of school
And
Eventually they got to see what was happening to her
When asked by a friend once' "What is a seizure"
She told her' "It's when the axons shoot neurons in the wrong directions."
Causing the friend to have a puzzled face
Learning neurology more and more
From hearing different medical terms every time
Asking what they are or mean
Putting up with being seen having one
NURSES
When in grammar school I had so many cool nurses
Every time I felt an aura occur
I had to tell the teacher or student near by
If able to walk downstairs
A teacher would ask all 35 students in my class' "Who wants to be Alyssa's nurse"
So many friends would raise their hands
I remember Greg the most
Saying to me' "My mom's a nurse. I'm one like her."
He was always the cutest to me
When downstairs the secretary would take care of me
And watch the seizure happen
When over would decide if it was a must to be picked up by my parents
Sometimes I really had no choice
Other points of time' I would pass out on the desk
And someone would need to tell the teacher
Or walk out of the classroom to get an adult
Watching me unconscious
Twitching and sucking
Young wondering what was happening
Staring
Not sure what to think
When once again waking up
Seeing me in a nervous state
Looking in different directions
Asking' "Did I have a seizure"
Over and over
Minutes letter getting asked' "Are you ok"
The teacher double checking that I am stable enough to stay
WAITING
Once again brought to an emergency room
In Long Island Jewish Hospital
The first attended'
An admission desk on the left
Blue seats connected to the wall
Around a rectangular room
A young girl waiting
Not fully sure
About everything happening around her
Asking mom' "What's wrong with that person"
When seeing people unable to walk
Drooling
A skinny elder man with glasses sitting across
Tilting his head to the left
Moving his arms
With a grown woman on the same side
Talking to him
It must have been his daughter
All her mother would say is' "Don't point' that's not polite. There is just something wrong."
She would sit there waiting for hours
Sometimes until 12am
Other times until 4am
Talking to her mom
Falling sleep on her arm
Her father would go to the desk asking' "Is she going to be taken in next"
Finally her name was called
The nurses were dressed all in white
With a skirt
Long sleeve shirt
And old fashioned nurse hat
Only thing' an intern took the blood
It was simple because her veins always showed
But he forget to connect a tube at the end
And it went shooting all over the place
Until a nurse went and pushed him with her whole body
Saying' "GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
Catching it just in time
After taking the needle out
The nurse asked the little girl' "What Band-Aid do you want"
She pointed to one with the Power Rangers
Exiting the room through another door
Continuing to wait
Now lying down on a gurney
Sleeping and enjoying her dreams
Finally placed in the Children's Neurology Center
Woken up when brought to a room
So a hep-lock placed on her
In case a serious seizure was to occur
Oh' NO!! Now it's time for an EEG to be glued
Lying back on the bed
With electrodes being glued to her head
Connected to wires
On the temporal lobes and rest of the head
To record the seizures
A needle injecting glue under each
Needing to be updated every now and then
She spoke to the EEG Technologist
And mother' as it was put on
A net was put over her head
To keep them in place
Don't touch it! Don't chew gum! Take all jewelry off!
The wires were plugged into a rectangular box
With a long wire
So she could walk around the room
And kept track of brainwaves
To see where the seizures came from
And if there were abnormal brain waves
There were also two cameras' so if a seizure happens
It is recorded from every direction
Press the button if you feel or see anything
Her father then went back home
And mother always stayed
To see the doctor the next day
It was a routine that was continually seen
AURA
Prediction of a seizure
Movie scenes flashing through the mind
Making emotions change so quickly
Eyes twitch or stare thinking of it
Slight loss of hearing
Roger Rabbit cartoons being melted to bits
The Fox and the Hound
Todd needs to find a place to stay
Joy Ride' Black Sheep destroyed the joy in both boys
Cause of how he was a violent stalker and refused to go away
Thinking of past tense pain
Parkside Hospital being stuck in an emergency room for hours
Seeing the face of an ex
Trying to escape a mysterious maze
That has pretty dreary coloring
Hearing voices come around saying what is happening
And what to do
Music lyrics heard out of no where
Sights that can only be seen by me
Until everything is over
TINY TEACHER
Third grade the seizures were out of control
Happening almost everyday
Going with mom to work
Helping to control the children in PS 7
Workers saying' "She's so cute and looks just like you!"
Is a comment her mother heard at the beginning
Getting a free lunch
Socializing with adults
Some giving her work to do
To help and have fun with a kindergarten class
Passing paper and pens around
Telling them to sit down
Walking with the para in front of the students
Making sure they held hands
"Go to a worker you know' if you feel any aura'" her mother said
She never stood alone
Unless she had to deliver something to another classroom
All of a sudden an aura would come
Movies flashing through her mind
She automatically sat down
Going unconscious
With the right eye twitching
Sucking
And right hand shaking
Whoever was around would sit her down
Timing it
Taking care of her and'
Try to call her mother in time
Nervously waking up
Looking around her
Needing some space'
Once fully awake
Spending the rest of the day with mom
In and out of the school aid office
Where there were three others to talk to
And as a true extrovert talking to a new person
Never hurt
Let's not forget how one of them would send her to the office
To bring messages
And punch them back in after lunch
The principal had so much respect
To even allow her to be there
After a certain period of time
Almost all the workers knew her name
Forget-about-it' one teacher she was forbidden to go to
Supposedly she did witchcraft
Today she laughs at that
Not being afraid
Nor was she ever
Yet one para would get paranoid
She was a brave little brat
Facing being epileptic
NOT ENOUGH
Neurosurgery was recommended 1996
Running across a well noted doctor
Making an appointment with him
But a description of scar tissue and seizures
Just wasn't enough
Hearing his response'
"I don't do those simple kinds of brain surgery
I only do more serious brain surgeries."
Looking back today
Worldwide noted or not
I don't give him one bit of credit
With such a disrespectful remark
Faces can fool you
When the attitude is different inside
Instead acting stubborn
Irresponsible
Bad-mannered
God-Like
Five years later
He ironically passed away
After practicing as a neurosurgeon
All his life
He died because of brain damage
And helped over 2'500 people
Except for me
I wonder' did he say that remark to other patients too
It doesn't matter anymore
After all his work is done
1997 SECURE SURGEON
The surgeon simply skipped steps
Mapping isn't meant for
There is no reason to do it
On the left temporal lobe
Take off all medication
And wait for a seizure to occur
To know exactly where it comes from
After all' he just filed the scar tissue down
Not thinking that her brain
Wasn't even fully grown
At the age of nine
Instead of getting them under control
Or helping
It hurt her
Causing an LD
In other words' learning disability
And always have abnormal brain waves
Today as an adult
She thanks God
He didn't damage her speech
Writing or movement on the right side of the body
But whenever that name is now heard
It is annoying and puts her through pain
Her only recommendation is not to go to him
EXTRA TIME
Please give extra time for tests
Or else it may not be finished
Especially for writing
I could move in reverse
Calm down
Don't curse
There is nothing wrong
Just go in that extra room
Made for people like you
Others say you are as normal
As anyone else
A strong person
With how you carry on
But sometimes that can be hard to believe
You never know what will happen next
Go from top grades
To one of the lowest in the class
Feeling like there is no way to move on
Wondering' "Am I gonna get held back? What high school will do"
"Where can I get to"
RECOMMENDATIONS
Try a disability public school
I will possibly do better
Parents listened so fast
Chatting with my original friends
On the brand new AOL online
So cool
Keeping in touch
Still getting together on and off
One day I got so upset
That I ran out of IS 119
Called Joann 718-862-1947
And told her to pick me up
Before they catch up and hit me down to the ground
There was no control
Workers were fools
Just on time
Joann was there with care
SKIPPING
Skipping class
So no one would see her around
Talking to the nurse
Crying about problems
Usually calling her grandparents
To pick her up
Since they lived in the same neighborhood
Out early
Over their house
Raising her voice
Ranting and Raving
How she gets mistreated in
The new school
And that there was nothing much to learn
The workers to her
Had barely any concern
They tried to calm her down
But it didn't work
Her parents came
To pick her up
With smiles on their faces
While she looked at them in a state of fury
Making disrespectful statements
"What are you so happy about"
Ready to fight about that topic
Then suddenly they said'
"You're going back to OLM!"
She was in a state of shock
And over joyed
Telling friends
How she was coming back
The next day
Once again walking to the third floor
To Sister Francisca's classroom
When slowly turning the doorknob
The lights went on' out of nowhere
"Surprise'" was screamed out of everyone's mouth
Getting to walk around
And talk early in the morning
Feeling once again happy and welcomed
Where she was
PUT 'EM UP
Keppra is one of the best epileptic medications
But stayed on me for only a number of days
Let's put it this way
Less than a month
My father raised his voice to me
By the door of where we lived
And my reaction was
Holding my fists like a boxer
Saying' "Put' em up! Put' em up!"
Jumping' maybe I watched
Too many boxing matches
With family
Needed to be calmed down by mom
Giving her difficulty
Parents looked at each other
Thinking the same
Take her to the hospital
There is something wrong
With how she's acting once again
It must be the medication
CONVERSATION
An adolescent patient
Walking in to see her neurologist
"I would recommend for her to have a second surgery done. Are there any questions" the doctor asked
"I would like to ask a question privately"
"Sure'" he said and told her parents to get out
She got close' sitting down and said
"What do you want to do? Crack my head open"
"Yes! That is what I want do! Crack heads open to help children like you. That is what I live for!"
Staring in each other's eyes with anger inside
Only an inch away
Him stamping out
And parents startled
Not knowing what to say
A second operation taking place
Only a bit is being removed
That's not much
Left temporal lobe is not' after all' the most dangerous kind
60 to 80% chance to help
7 % for damage to be done
This is going to be so much fun!
Fear forced inside
Medication being taken off to see where the removal will be
Waiting for a seizure to happen
Suddenly one happened
It is now time for the surgery to take place
After a few days
Finally it is done
She was let free
Walking out the hospital door
Until a seizure once again occurs
Unconscious and down
Shaking and sucking
Take her back in
Connect another EEG
Let's see what happened
Falling deeply asleep
Which way did the brain waves move
A new research to do
Waiting patiently to be let free
And
For it to end
DOTS OF BLOOD
Stitches are too simple to take out
Staples are put through the skull
To have the bones grow back together
Not able to wash it with soap
Removed after four days
Twenty -seven in
Pulled out one at a time
Pain every time
"Don't whine! You are strong."
Eyes watering
Still talking
While seeing dots of blood
Finally done
And time to go
It will be fully healed in six to twelve months
Don't worry some of the hair will grow back
You'll never be fully bald
Touch it as little as possible
Because it could get itchy
If it hurts take an Advil
That can always help
Tylenol can interfere with medication levels
Come back in about three months
So we can do a check up
LOOK AT
When back in school
People and students knew
What she went through
Some asking' "Where was it done"
Lifting her hair and showing the scar
Some speechless and others
Had responses and comments or asked more
Telling her mom who it was showed to
Almost everyday
Her mother had to explain
How it didn't need to be shared with everybody
And not to answer every question
It's not cool
So don't think it is something to show off
At first she didn't understand
But learned overtime how it was wrong
And to stop
Make a part in the center or on the right
So it will not show
A low pony tail is better
Don't make braids in that section
Brush your hair not your head
That may hurt
Especially that it is still fresh
But no matter what remember'
"You will always be the best!"
PERFECT PATIENT
Again another surgical recommendation
From the same doctor at NYU
What could you do
This is going to be the third time'
But is almost fully guaranteed
95 to 98% chance of it working
Why' isn't it worth it
Seeing some of the most well-known neurologist
For a second opinion
Traveling to Yale for one
Talking on the phone with another on the west cost
Every person saying' "Yes' she is a good candidate for this. It is definitely going to work."
By 2001
She understood more of what would be done
There was not a fight
This time she went along with it
Still having a small fear
Sometimes going into the hospital
Made her upset
Whether it was for medication' or seizure activity
But let's make this decrease and finally end
Surgery will be the solution
Schedule a date
So she will be prepared
And all tests can be done
To make sure everything that takes place is right
"And done properly concerning me."
FAVORITES
Talking to the nurse practitioner' Alison
As her parents would listen to the surgeon
They would discuss so many things
Music' cute boys' friends' family' class'
Seizures' nicknames' movies
Some of her most favorite games
Eighth grade graduation and prom
So that person knew all her secretes
But was very confidential with it
Keeping a smile on her face
And a promise to be there during the surgery
CAUGHT IN A STORM
What a beautiful day. Winters just a coming' and it is beginning to snow. I laid on it looking up at the flakes falling on me and around myself was all white. I was even getting buried in it. There was a bar by my feet' flowers all on the left' Alice in Wonderland hiding away from hideous characters yet looking to help. Imagination can run wild in my head. In real life none of this could be said. All of this is a fiction and lie. In real life' I was lying in a surgical room. With all white walls' large lights shining down. Feeling tickles of oxygen hit my brain. It was so insane. Seeing slight centimeters of it. Surrounded by six different doctors and a surgeon standing behind. Hearing their voices and what I needed to say in order to keep away from my speech. The flowers were Doctor Bloom' Bar is Doctor Bar and Alice in Wonderland is Alison a nurse practitioner that knew my little secrets' promising to be there. After a period of time I lost myself repeating the alphabet over and over. Alison then jumped out from behind the bushes to help by asking the final questions in order for the surgery to end. For my secrets were finally let out. What might they be? Here is a list in order for you see!
Alison: What is your nickname
Alyssa: IA
Alison: What does IA stand for
Alyssa: Italian and American
Alison: Who's cute
Alyssa: Frankie' he's the best!
Alison: Who is better N'Sync or The Backstreet Boys
Alyssa: N'Sync they're N'Stink! The Backstreet Boys are better!
What a giggle we heard out of all the doctors' mouths. Then again we were the only females in the room and who can ever know better than us. After the questions it was time to stop. For the surgeon felt he was too close to speech and is now done with this piece. On the way' getting out of the snow' I fell into a deep sleep while listening to a present from the surgeon' the song' "I'm Slim Shady"
DID IT WORK
The answer is no
A complex partial happened
Only thing this time
When she was still in
The surgeon stopped by that night
Discussing it with her mother
Waking her up
"Hi Dr. Layod'" she said
Smiling with an EEG on her head
He showed how it upset him
She asked questions to fully understand
What happened and why it may not have worked
Basically the whole Hippocampus
Was removed from the left temporal lobe
A fake skull put over that location
Unseeable and never feel it
8 baby scars formed
Centimeters long
Like tiny circles
One in the back center of the skull
As mom always said'
"Don't forget to cover the hole in your head'"
MILES
Friends coming to visit me
After the surgery
On the way stopping at FAO Schwarz
Buying this adorable stuffed dog
While trying to figure out what its name should be
Dr. Miles walked in to check up on me
And the response he got was'
"I'm gonna name him Miles. Like you."
His face turned red blushing
Yet very happy
And a promise was made that if I ever got a real dog
That would be his name
TIME'S UP
Time's up
And she is finally out
There's no place like home
Take the EEG wires off her head
Such a smelly chemical liquid
Pack those bags up
Get dressed
Here's a hat to cover the glue on your head
Now jump in dad's car
He's out front
Continuously talking
Then finally home
Walking upstairs
Holding Milles in her arms
Taking the hat off
Having dried glue
Rain from her head to toe
Getting on everything around her
Let's wash her hair
Before it gets all over
Washing it up to eight times in a row
Brushing the knots out
And combing the scalp
To get enough of the glue off
Don't do it over there anymore
Or else she will get a cut
Be most gentle on left side
Try to do it around' not on top of the scar
Sitting there for almost an hour
Certain things were so hard in the 90's
The glue didn't change until the early 21st century
Don't worry we got most of it out
More will come off every time
She washes and brushes her hair
And it will eventually be all gone
HORRIBLE HIGH SCHOOL
The first high school attended' the workers were unprofessional
Except for three
Every time a seizure occurred in the nurse's office
She was a disrespectful' irresponsible' smart-ass
Laughing at and ignoring me
Being looked at by other students and asked'
"what's wrong? Why are you being ignored"
My shoulders would just go up
With a facial expression
Social fights
Acted like the wicked witch of the west
Putting her index finger in front of my eye
Saying' "I see you'" for a minute or two
Mom went in to have a discussion
And settle things with her
But that didn't work
The best part is that the nurse
Remembered mom from high school
But neither her or a friend remember the nurse
This may have made it worse
Complaints put in
But that did not do much
Even making statements to me
When I was fine
Walking in the hallway
Skipping or changing class
Never got in trouble for anything
Thank Christ the King High School
Only in regard to that
GYM TEST
Hanging out with friends
Sitting on the floor of the gym
Waiting for the teacher to come in
Midterm time
So today is the test
You need to do 100 sit-ups
85 push-ups' a pull-up
And run a mile
Sit-ups are simple
Make us do more
Push-ups can be a challenge
But running not sure
It was a steaming hot day
And it had to be done outside
After running around the track four times
You were done
Student after student sitting down
Until I was the only one
Asking to stop
Out of breath
Over dizzy
Not sure if I was going to pass out
But she refused for it to end
Unfortunately the bell didn't ring yet
All of my friends got up and went around
With me and holding me
Making sure I wouldn't fall
Finishing the last round with me
Then giving an applause when done
Saying how great I was
Passing water over
Watching the teacher
Walk away
When ready we walked to the changing room
To get back in our usual uniforms
Ring' Ring' Ring time to learn religion
RACISM and RELIGION
On the first day in religion class
There were only seven students
When the teacher entered
She said' "You' sit in the back!"
With an attitude tone of voice
Looking at her
I asked' "Why"
"Go in the back'" she replied
African American teacher
Having other students repeat her'
"Get to the back of the room."
"No whites allowed up front."
Until I moved
Somehow listened to rules
After all when it comes to religion
It is important to believe
God is the only one that can understand
Everything
Why listen
When her voice is unbearable
Why stay
When being the minority
Why work hard
When it doesn't count
Why not just walk out
When no one gets mad
Why give a care
SCHOOL of MY DREAMS
I got accepted to the high school of my dreams
And was so excited to start
Located in the city
One of the most fun places to be
The classes are smaller and better
Students I met before time were so much fun
But then things changed
New building' new location
Surrounded by all these spiteful' bitchy people
Who were so well to do
Not willing to accept middle class
Living in Queens was not the thing
Acting differently
Polo Sport was so cool
They placed me in the lowest classes
My parents agreed it wasn't the right stage for me
But they refused
Even concerning art and that is a talent inside
Friends
The only one met who was good
Is a boyfriend that understood
As Kelly Clarkson says'
"I know that I have issues
But he's pretty messed up too"
No matter what' we accepted each other
And love grew day after day
That will never go away
BREAKING HEARTS and BONES
A high school girl waking up in the morning
Dressing up as a whore
Because of how her boyfriend was getting tricked by them
Telling him what to do
Walking out of her room
Her father held her against the wall
With a fist in front of her face
Yelling how he will hit her if she doesn't change
But that didn't change her thoughts
So he continued the same move over and over
Until she ran back in her room
Hearing him trying to break in
She thought of a recently seen movie
Putting on a pair of leather gloves
Getting a piece rope
Assumed she was able to climb out her window
From the second floor
Falling back first
911 was called
Clothes ripped off by EMT to see if everything was ok
Rushed to the nearest hospital
Still alive
But barely aware
Only having a broken ankle
Another surgery was recommended on the other
But her mother fought "No"
And made her go to the hospital where she goes
Waking up in NYU
Doctors were worried
Thought it was a suicide attempt
Sending a psychiatrist in to talk
All she said about committing suicide
Was that suicide wasn't the goal
She just wanted to get away from him
Explaining what the father was doing and saying that
She couldn't leave in those clothes
Later' with her right ankle in a cast and elevated
Her favorite jacket cut open to make sure everything was okay
Father actually felt bad
Wishing he just allowed her to leave
Receiving flowers from the love she almost died for
Because of how she wanted to dress like a whore
He came to visit every day
Making her feel better
Mom at the same point furious that it happened because of him
But he was somehow forgiven
The hospital was refusing to allow her out after almost two weeks
To study her and make sure all is well
But her parents pushed them to discharge her
When attending school
Walking with crutches was hard to get up the stairs
The two assistant deans watching her step by step
Then suddenly when her boyfriend noticed her
He held her in his arms
Carrying her up the stairs
Workers watching them with smiles
Students pointing and gossiping
Girls having jealousy
Drug addicts wanting his money like everyone else
Except her
She couldn't care more about anything' but him
The cast came off perfect timing
For her prom
Bringing her love
Photography taken over his house
Put on a website with many others
Enjoying that night together
Teachers talking
Why care
Who are they
Besides drunks
Traveling around the city in a limousine
Close together
Happily having a blast
Remembering different moments
DRINK
Depressed after having her heart broken
Drinking a mudslide midday' at a bar near college
On medications that can cause levels to go off' a coma or die
Let's hope a seizure doesn't happen
A strange man noticing
That she wasn't walking right
Able to fall' with watery eyes
Not able to talk without a slurry voice
He offered help
Then held her up
Found out about her condition
Walking to Saint Luke's Hospital
Not that much further
Finally when getting there
He described everything possible
And waited for her to get in
Then wished good luck
While waiting she wasn't sure what to think of
When asked what was wrong
She said' "I take phenobabl and drank a drink."
They investigated her consciousness
If understanding
Does the stomach need to be pumped
Should she be admitted
Let's give her some time and see if she gets better.
Lying down for hours
Waiting to know if anything needed to be done
Getting tired of it
Finally a doctor walked in
Deciding that nothing needed to be done
Relax and you can leave in a bit
When time to discharge
She lied about everything
So others would not find out
Different name' phone number' address and ID
SEIZURE TIME
A seizure
Doesn't please ya
Like a body teaser
Fall to the ground
With no sound
Shaking round and round
People looking down
Thinking what they see
Just let that person be
Don't get too close
This ain't no joke
As a matter of fact it's no good
Call 911 like you should
Stop having your fun
Try and help!
Or else that person can just melt
And
Have no more life or health
POSTICTAL
"Was I mean"
"Do I know everything that is seen"
"What happened again"
"I don't remember that."
"You must be kidding"
Feeling nervous' hyper and barely aware
Now I'm scared!
Moving my head in all different directions
Not sure of what I see or say
"Did I... Did I have..."
"Where did you say"
"That's where you want me to go"
"Nooo..."
"Leave me alone!"
"I don't care!"
"It was just a stare."
"No ordeal' lets gets real."
"Wait' was I mean"
"Did I go against the team"
"Am I a normal human being"
"I don't know where to be"
"Not sure' I see..."
"Just bring me home and not leave me alone' waiting for a room."
Here comes another week of doom
NEW
Recommended a new medication
Happy and hoping it would work
Today wishing I was never on it
And how it ruined that year
Now afraid of any up to date epileptic medication
Refusing to go on any
Because of the results from that medication
All I can say is obviously it didn't work
Enough or correctly with me
No I don't recommend it
This is advice I will give to others like myself
It is not safe' it hurt and did not help
All I want is myself
VIMPAT
On Vimpat
Vicious
Irritating
Mental
Poor patients
Abnormal actions
Threatening
A beautiful spring day
Getting ready
For the next course
Just finished making
A perfect power point 2010
Printed it
Then fell backwards
Unable to get up
Still somewhat aware
At 125 pounds
Her father picked her up somehow
She was acting differently
While their puppy Miles was licking her away
Father trying to stop Miles
But she hit him away every time
He immediately called his wife
When home
Mom wasn't even allowed near
911 was called quick
Put into the ambulance
With an oxygen mask on
Because she was not breathing properly
In a detrimental condition
Her father was fighting
To bring her to NYU and not Elmhurst Hospital
Which took a while to work
Driving to the city
Only remembering
Bring rushed through
The halls of the hospital
And falling asleep
The doctor had to take her off of Vimpat
A medication she was on for a year
An EEG on as usual
Being told to press the button
If a feeling' seizure or suicidal thoughts occur
Keep her in until
She is in good condition
To be once again free
You want a Wii to play
Having a hep-lock
In her right wrist
She was a lefty for a week and a half
Finally time to leave
After about nine days
Back in college
Everyone that knew her said'
"You look more happy."
That was interesting to her
She didn't know how different
It made her act in certain ways
Then again it caused depression
To happen more often
Secrets and ideas were hidden
But now free from Vimpat
Vicious
Irritating
Mental
Poor patients
Abnormal actions
Threatening
SEX SCENE
Allowed to get up out of bed
For a limited amount of exercise
Let's unplug the EEG
Carry the box in a beautiful blue recyclable bag
Only one long hallway
"What window do you want to walk to first" asked the nurse
"The right since its night."
Socializing with the nurse walking toward the window
Counting how many workers are still in the building across
Like playing' Where's Waldo
Who will win finding more
Are they going to keep score
" Let's turn around now
And walk to the other window." the nurse said
So they did a 360o twist
In other words a full circle
Walking in the opposite direction
Almost there
Finally looking out the window
Watching the cars drive
How many bikes were around at that hour
Then all of a sudden looking in the windows of an apartment building across the street
The patient saw such a sex scene
Two people doing it
With the blinds open
The guy on the bottom
Must of been screaming
"Get it in!"
She then looked at the nurse and said' "Their having sex!"
The nurse at first didn't notice
Then said' "They are having sex. Don't they want privacy"
The patient said' "Does anyone want privacy in that building? I mean the blinds are always open on almost every window."
"True' true but let's start walking back and stop watching a live sex show." The nurse told her.
They laughed away
Making fun of those people
Seeing what they had to say
Time is up and back to the room
Let's get plugged in
"And don't forget you can't get out' go to the bathroom or bed without pressing the button to tell us."
All the patient said back was "Thank you very much!" Still laughing away about what was seen on that day
HARD to ESCAPE
It is hard to escape
When feeling in outer space
How will life be
What is wrong with me
I am blinded and cannot see
Fear can sometimes be near
At this point' it is all up to you for what to do
Medication can be noticed
Side effects can show
How many fingers do I see
You put up one' but I see three
Fuzzy vision
Viewing double
Another delusion
Making up stories
Seizures out of control
Not having a say
Make that headache go away!
Suffering everyday
But don't give up today
A cure is waiting to be found
Doctors searching all around
To figure out what to do
Hospitals can make you feel alone
When in real life
Others are there that do care
Everyone waiting for epilepsy to go and stay away
When feeling in outer space
It is hard to escape
CONTROL LOST
Neurons over-active
Moving in all different directions
Seizure after seizure
Memory lost
Waking up either in a hospital or on the floor
Barely able to walk out of the door
Someone needs to be with you
No matter where you go
Whether it's a friend or family
Medication increasing
Causing you to get down in the dumps
Side effects increasing
Not helping a bit
Just sit there and wait
For things to get straight
ALONE
Drop to the ground
With no sound
Surrounded by darkness
And
Not a person around
To help with these twitches and turns
Times running fast
You never know how long a seizure could last
Hours are too long
Someone come before life is gone
Sent to the emergency room
With people all around
Barley able to understand a word or sound
Going into a deep sleep
And
Woken up alone in bed
Wondering what happened
Until noticing the hair became ultra-long
And
Is all different colors: red' blue' green and yellow
These wires run tests
To help find which treatment is the best
How long will it take
No one knows
An EEG can last hours' days or weeks
But try and remember to have no fright
And that everything will be alright
Believe in yourself
Don't lose faith
Something will be found one day
Then everything will be okay
TERROR
In an ambulance
After having a complex partial seizure in New York
People making a mountain out of a mole hill
Overly postictal
Full of fear
Wondering why'd this happen
Where are these people coming from
Are they going to hurt me
Let me free!!!
Stop touching me!!!
Getting more nervous every time a hand touched
What happened again
Repeating' "DID I HAVE A SEIZURE? DID I HAVE A SEIZURE"
Swiggling over and over
Hand cuffed to the gurney
No friend or family near
To calm me down
Driven to a hospital
Waiting alone
In an emergency room
Getting looked at by others
"What do they think"
Seeing so many more serious cases
With oxygen masks
Wires on the heart
Weird looking things
That I don't even know what they are
Well' I'm here again
Is all I can say
When still aware
Because I am so used to the atmosphere' sights and treatments
How long it can take for a worker to come over
Can even describe some locations off of the top my head
When will a doctor show up
So I can get out
Anxiety
Getting exhausted
Falling asleep
Not making a peep
Until finally awoken
After hours went past
By a doctor checking up
Asking tons of questions
Why are you here
Is there a disease or disorder
What kind of seizures do you have
Who is your doctor
Are you on medication
If so which ones
What is your insurance
Where do you live
Let's check the blood pressure
Temperature is a little low 95.2
Now it's time to take blood
Wait where are the veins
I got stabbed by needles one too many times
Since a kid
So now their hidden
Still try and get it in
Sitting up straight
Holding the arm still
Think one was found
Wait it didn't work
Show me the other arm
Make a fist
Hold it tight
Touch' touch
It is time to try again
Missed it
Let's move the needle to the left
Now to the right
Undo the wrist now
Finally got one done
Good' now let me out!!!
It is time to be discharged
I waited one too many hours
UP and DOWN
Did the levels go up
Or head down
Is it causing depression
Making the person
Not fully aware of what is going on
Feeling like all that is done is wrong
Randomly falling asleep
Turning dreams into real life
Suicide and self-abuse
Will that hurt
Wondering why certain things had to happen
Could life change and get better or is that unreal
Hallucinations standing there
Getting unsure about the real world
Forgetting what was about to be said
Spelling left the person's head
How did that happen
Tongue twisted
Staring off
Feeling bare
Colors showing up in the air
And like nothing is fair
Or levels going down
Making a seizure happen everyday
The person feels that there is no more to say
Being in and out of the hospital
Admitting knows the person
The name rolls off their tongue
Not knowing what to do
Raise this' lower that' put another on' take that off
How about a diet
Too hard to keep
Is it time for surgery
Life' what is there to do
Getting interference while at work
Seeing fuzzy
Gaining weight
Losing weight
Not thinking straight
Wishes wanted
Will they eventually come true
There is help for the person
Having seizure after seizure
Something needs to be figured out
It is time to check the levels
Did they go up
Or head down
VOICE IS GETTING HOARSE
With the Vagus Nerve Stimulator
Voice is getting hoarse
On and off
It could be annoying
Surgically placed below the skin of the upper chest
An electrode is attached
To one of the 12 vagus nerves of the body
In the neck
Feeling it as if it is on top of the part
Randomly coughing
Eyes watering
Overly itchy throat
Losing the voice
Barely able to talk
Or feel pain on the throat
Afraid to talk
Wait patiently for it to go away
Texting is ok
A magnet needed to be worn
Connecting onto whatever it feels like
Friends find that amusing
It is fun to play with making spoons
Move around in circles
At points of time it feels like a toy
And I think of it as body art
Even though seizures can still start
They are less often and less severe
Most of the time staying aware
But no matter what
It is a scare
They are stopped or only seconds long
By swiping a magnet to the chest
Whenever it is needed to be used
Stimulation traveling
Voice going monotone for about a minute
It may look strange and be misunderstood
Yet worth making the voice hoarse on and off
Don't talk
Wait until it's back to normal some say
But it really doesn't matter
Some asking if my throat was slit
Where do you get that from
What is that person's age again
Interviewers asking questions
It could be annoying
Yet controlling and helpful
On and off the voice getting hoarse
Having a Vagus Nerve Stimulator
EPILEPSY
Epilepsy is a part of me
You can take it or leave it
Because it may not go away
As a matter of fact
It may be here to stay
Am I ok? Yes I am!
You tell me how my chemistry is
What was that
I'm jerking around
Trying to say words
But they wouldn't come out
Slightly shaking hands
It could be a difficulty to stand
Let me sit
Or slowly slide myself down against something
Being watched
Partially aware
Almost over
Stay strong
There is nothing wrong
Back to normal
Whatever that means
Let me continue with what I was going to do
Epilepsy is a part of me
Which makes me unique
In a different way
Keep my head up
And never give up
Cause winners never quit
Quitters never win
And I chose to be a winner
Never forget every day and every way
We get better and better
No matter what anyone has to say
DIFFERENT GIRL
I am a different girl
From a different world
A different race
With a different face
From another dimension
I am dealing with a different case
I am an unknown species
Unique in many ways
Have an imagination that runs wild
Am able to fly
Because dreams are coming true
I glow in the dark
I am filled with ultimate powers
And have a real heart
Don't have much to say or do
Some people of the world are prejudice against me
Because they don't understand what they see
I am a different girl
From a different world
ACCEPTANCE
What is there really different to see
About anyone' including me
We are all just the same
Some who have epilepsy are or were in fame
All people are unique in their own way
And there is nothing more to say
All poems (c) Alyssa D'Amico
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