Respectful Pronoun Use: A Guide to Inclusive Communication

Ian C. Langtree - Writer/Editor for Disabled World (DW)
Published: 2021/09/04 - Updated: 2025/05/04
Publication Type: Informative
Category Topic: Disability Sexuality - Academic Publications

Page Content: Synopsis - Introduction - Main - Insights, Updates

Synopsis: This article provides a comprehensive overview of the importance of using and sharing pronouns correctly, emphasizing how this practice fosters a safer and more inclusive environment for trans people and anyone whose gender may not be immediately apparent. It explains that pronouns, such as she/her, he/him, and they/them, are not indicators of gender and that making assumptions based on appearance can lead to misgendering, which can be harmful and isolating.

The article offers practical advice on normalizing pronoun sharing-such as including pronouns in email signatures and during introductions-and addresses common questions about grammar, the use of preferred pronouns, and how to handle mistakes. By highlighting the impact of pronoun respect, especially for those who have experienced misgendering, the article serves as a valuable resource for anyone seeking to create more respectful and supportive communities, including people with disabilities and seniors, who may also face assumptions about identity - Disabled World (DW).

Introduction

What Do We Mean When We Say "Pronouns?"

The term "pronouns" describes the words we use to refer to people when we are not using their name. For example, you might say "Jenny has written this guide on sharing pronouns, she hopes people find it useful."

Main Content

The most common pronouns are she/her, he/him, and they/them, although there are many more less common ones which people might use. While the pronouns we use often have some relation to our gender identities, pronouns themselves are not indicators of gender. For example, someone who uses the pronouns he/him may be a man, but may also be non-binary; and not all people who use the pronouns they/them are trans.

Why is Sharing Pronouns Important?

Many people assume that the pronouns they should use for an individual are obvious: people who look like men should be referred to using he/him, and people who look like women should be referred to as she/her.

However, these assumptions based on appearance can be frustrating and harmful, particularly for trans folks who might challenge people's perceptions of what a man or woman looks like, and those who might use gender-neutral pronouns. If we choose to make assumptions about which pronouns are correct, we risk misgendering people and/or singling out trans people who want to clarify their pronouns.

By normalizing the practice of sharing our pronouns, we can all challenge the narrative that pronouns can be assumed, and create a safe and supportive community for trans people. Using the correct pronouns can - particularly for trans folks - be an act of validation and a reminder that you recognize the importance of their gender identity.

Sharing Pronouns Best Practice

Normalizing the sharing of pronouns means incorporating it into our everyday lives so it stops being unusual and starts becoming something which we do naturally, without thinking.

One way to share your pronouns is to add them to your email signature, by simply including a short line under your name and role which reads, "My pronouns are..." This is particularly useful if you often correspond with people you might not see on a day-to-day basis. If you are concerned that people will not understand what this means, you could also include a link to this document e.g. "My pronouns are... To find out more about pronouns and why I'm sharing mine, click here" Once you have updated your signature, you could also email colleagues encouraging them to do the same.

Another way to normalize the sharing of pronouns is by including them whenever people are doing introductions, for example at the start of a meeting or workshop. You could say:

"Let's start by going round and introducing ourselves - if you could each give your name, your pronouns and which team you're from. I'll start - my name is Jenny, my pronouns are she/her, and I'm here from the Students' Association."

If people seem unsure, you can provide a short explanation of what pronouns are, like the one at the beginning of this document.

You can also be inclusive of trans people by avoiding using gendered terms to refer to groups of people, for example, rather than saying, "Welcome ladies and gentlemen!" you could say, "Welcome everybody!"

Questions and Answers on Using Pronouns Correctly

Is Using "They/Them" Grammatically Correct?

Some people find using pronouns other than she/her and he/him a little awkward and that's OK sometimes it can take a while to get used to new things - however it is still important to respect people's pronouns, and not discount them because they make us feel uncomfortable.

It is worth noting that most of us already use "they/them" to refer to individuals whose gender or pronouns we are unsure of - for example, if a colleague said, "I spoke to the auditor about our GDPR compliance." we might respond, "Really? What did thee say?" The use of plural pronouns to refer to a singular subject has been around in English since the 16th Century, and in 2015 the American Dialect Society selected the singular "they" as their word of the year.

What if I Don't Care What Pronouns People Use for Me?

It's OK not to mind which pronouns people use to refer to you, but particularly if you are cisgender it is important to consider how you frame this and the impact that might have on trans folks around you.

Often cisgender people "don't care" because they know that people will likely default to their correct pronouns and even if they don't, their gender won't really be up for debate. The same cannot be said for trans folks, and saying you "don't care" about pronouns can suggest that trans folks are silly for requesting that their pronouns be respected.

If you genuinely don't mind, considering saying "I'm happy with all pronouns" or "Most people use pronouns and I'm happy with that."

Are Pronouns the Same as "Preferred Pronouns"?

You may have heard people ask for others' "preferred pronouns". While the intent behind this is often good, the use of the word "preferred" can be problematic and so we'd recommend not using it.

Firstly, it can imply that pronouns are simply a preference - something that's nice to get right but not a necessity, which isn't the case. It can also suggest a divide between pronouns (interpreted as linked to the gender someone was assigned at birth) and "preferred pronouns" (linked to an individual's current gender identity), which can isolate and alienate trans people.

Secondly, the language of preference can create confusion for cisgender people who have never considered their gender before, and for whom their pronouns just are as opposed to being something they've chosen. This is not necessarily a bad thing and can start a useful conversation about things that cisgender people take for granted but could quickly derail a quick round of introductions!

Can I Just Say, "I Prefer Male/Female Pronouns"?

Some people may find sharing their pronouns confusing and instead say something like, "I prefer male pronouns." or "I'm a woman, so..." While this is understandable, it's important to challenge the idea that pronouns are an indicator of gender, or vice versa.

If someone does say this in a round of introductions, you can gently remind them that pronouns are not inherently linked to gender so it would be great if they could share their pronouns too and perhaps remind them of the most common choices.

What if We Already Know Each Other?

Many of us will interact with multiple people every day whose pronouns we have never asked and have just assumed. In some cases, we may have guessed correctly, but in others it's possible we are using the wrong pronouns without the individual realizing, or that the person concerned is aware but doesn't feel comfortable correcting us.

Even where you are fairly confident you know people's pronouns, it's still good to refresh our knowledge and give folks the opportunity to provide their correct pronouns. It's also important to note that gender is fluid, and people may wish to change their pronouns throughout their life for a variety of reasons. Giving them the opportunity to do that without having to single themselves out is part of being a good ally to trans people.

Isn't Sharing Pronouns a Waste Of Time?

For people who have never been misgendered and whose correct pronouns are used routinely by everyone around them, sharing pronouns can seem silly or boring. Doing it consistently or repeatedly can seem redundant and like a waste of time.

However, it's important to remember that for people who have experienced misgendering or whose pronouns are less common, the simple act of sharing - which takes just an extra minute in a round of introductions - is a welcome and important act of inclusion.

What if I Don't Know Someone's Pronouns?

The purpose of normalizing the regular sharing of pronouns is to ensure we're less likely to be in situations where we don't know someone's pronouns. However, sometimes it's unavoidable - for example when you meet someone new for the first time. In this scenario, you can respectfully share your pronouns and ask for theirs: "Sorry, I don't think we've met before. My name's Jenny and my pronouns are she/her - how about you?" or simply ask, "Could you just remind me of your pronouns?"

You can also listen to how people who know the individual well refer to them, but be aware that they may have simply assumed the person's pronouns, and the individual may not have felt comfortable challenging them, so there's no guarantee they're correct.

What if I or Someone Else Get Someone's Pronouns Wrong?

We all make mistakes, but for trans folks who are misgendered multiple times a day, what seems like a small error can have a significant negative impact.

If you've made the mistake, you can quickly apologize, correct yourself and move on. While it might be tempting to avoid drawing attention to it, leaving your mistake uncorrected can result in others also using the wrong pronouns and if the person you misgendered is present, they may feel hurt that you do not seem to care enough to get their pronouns right.

If someone else uses the incorrect pronouns, you can gently correct them at the time: "Actually, I think Jenny uses she/her" or have a quick conversation one-on-one to let them know their mistake. If the person who has been misgendered is present, you should allow them to choose how they wish to respond - they may not want to draw attention to themselves in that moment - but you should reaffirm their correct pronouns where possible and check in with them one-on-one to see if there's any other actions they would like you to take.

Either way, if the person who has been misgendered was not present, there is no need to tell them what happened - doing so can often be distressing and frustrating, but you may want to double check their pronouns if you're now unsure what is correct.

Insights, Analysis, and Developments

Author Credentials: Ian is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Disabled World, a leading resource for news and information on disability issues. With a global perspective shaped by years of travel and lived experience, Ian is a committed proponent of the Social Model of Disability-a transformative framework developed by disabled activists in the 1970s that emphasizes dismantling societal barriers rather than focusing solely on individual impairments. His work reflects a deep commitment to disability rights, accessibility, and social inclusion. To learn more about Ian's background, expertise, and accomplishments, visit his full biography.