Being Brave: Choosing Growth Over Fear in Family Life
Author: Tsara Shelton
Published: 22 Oct 2026
Publication Type: Submitted Article
Table of Contents:
Synopsis - Definition - Overview - FAQs - Insights, Updates - Related Content
Synopsis
This information is a personal essay in which a writer from a large family with six adopted siblings living with a range of disorders and disabilities looks back on more than fifty years of struggling with fear and self-doubt. Drawing on Abraham Maslow's idea of stepping forward into growth rather than backward into safety, she describes how worry about being seen doing things wrong kept her from helping her brothers fully, shaped her own parenting, and still surfaces when she wants to share an idea or guide her children and grandchildren. Her mother's example of taking the whole family out into the world, asking others to accept them while teaching the children to adapt, offers a model of loving robustly. The essay is useful for siblings and parents of disabled children, caregivers, and anyone who has held back out of fear of judgment, because it shows in plain, honest terms how ordinary courage is practiced and how small, repeated choices can change the direction of a life.*
At a Glance
- 1 - Fear can disguise itself as being polite or thoughtful, which makes it easy to justify staying quiet.
- 2 - The pandemic served as a reminder that life can lock down at any time, adding urgency to living bravely.
- 3 - Not every brave promise succeeds, and some fizzle simply because what seemed wanted turns out not to be wanted at all.
- 4 - Small, steady trajectory shifts made in daily life can add up to dramatic changes over many years, even when nothing feels dramatic in the moment.
Topic Definition
- Courage in Everyday Life
Courage in everyday life is the willingness to act on what one believes is right or worthwhile even when fear, uncertainty, or the risk of judgment is present. Unlike physical bravery in moments of danger, it usually shows up in quieter forms - speaking up, sharing an idea, setting a boundary, or advocating for someone who is treated as different. Psychologists often link it to personal growth, a view echoed by Abraham Maslow's description of a choice between moving toward growth or retreating into safety. For families of people with disabilities, everyday courage frequently means taking part in public life, asking for acceptance and accommodation, and accepting the discomfort of being noticed, with the understanding that small, repeated acts tend to build confidence over time.
Overview
"You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety." ~Abraham Maslow
Be Brave
The idea has tantalized and even tortured me for over fifty years. It seems so simple, so clear, so obvious: step up and do what you think is right even when it frightens you. Done.
It seems clear and obvious, right? But only when I'm not feeling frightened and uncertain.
Fear and uncertainty muddy the waters and seeing clearly is not an option. In fact, when I am afraid, seeing anything at all is a challenge. I shrink inside myself and leave my body to stand there taking the brunt of things. My eyes are clouded, my head is dulled, my ears fill with cotton, and from far away in the dark I watch the unfolding of things through the murky vision of fear.
This type of extreme fear, I admit, does not happen often. But a more insidious version, an easier to justify version, does.
I noticed it when I was younger and my mom asked me to take my brothers places. I would want my brothers to have big wonderful lives, be welcomed in the world regardless of their uncommon behaviors, but I did not want to be seen failing at helping them learn or knowing what should be accepted. I would take them places when my mom asked, but I would spend the entire outing afraid and behaving for the viewers rather than for the proper growth of my brothers. And I never took them out if mom didn't ask. Not because I didn't want them to have opportunities provided by the outings, but because I was afraid of doing it wrong. No, of being seen doing it wrong.
So I would justify my fear in cruel ways. I'd think of my mom as crazy for expecting the world to be okay with our weirdo family, and I would think of myself as stupid and weak for not knowing what to do, and I would think of one day having kids of my own who I would parent so wonderfully they would not be as disruptive as my brothers. <--- Boy, was I wrong! My sons were wild and disruptive and it was mainly because of how I parented them.
Also, I notice the insidious fear when I want something to happen, or I have an idea I think is valuable and worth sharing, or I have a nudge I want to give my children - the water is muddied and I am unsure of myself. Can I push for what I want to happen? Are my ideas childish and completely unoriginal? Are my observations or suggestions even at all right for my children and their children? And so, because I am afraid, I might do or say nothing.
But this doesn't always feel like fear and, instead, can feel like being thoughtful or polite.
Well, sort of. The truth is I've grown to notice the difference. I can mostly tell when I am avoiding something out of fear vs. when I'm not doing or saying something because it is maybe not good timing or simply not necessary to say or do.
Not only have I grown to notice the difference, but over the last few years I've overcome the fear more and more. I've begun to practice saying and doing things despite the fear. It's something that sort of happened for me even more because of the pandemic. I (along with so many others) was reminded that life could lock me down at any time and by being brave I would more likely be happy with the life I'm locked in.
It's been almost easy! And even though I am sometimes met with resistance, or I am sometimes left learning my ideas are silly or my understanding of a situation is wrong or what I am wanting to make happen isn't going to work, I am also mostly seeing my life respond by being more mine. More something I am an active player in creating and designing.
"You can't walk gingerly. You have to step in and say I am going to love you robustly, and we are going to get to the end of this!" ~Dr. Lynette Louise ("The Brain Broad")
My mom loves us robustly.
She took our family - she has eight children, six adopted and with a variety of disorders and disabilities - on outings and taught all of us how to be brave, how to ask for the world to accept who we are while teaching us to find ways to fit properly into the world. It is not cool to say, "Shut up and accept everything," and it is not cool to say, "We are strange and it frightens people so let's stay home," and instead, as with all things, there was a dance of learning, shifting, changing, trying, doing, doing, doing, that had to be done. For everyone everywhere we went. "We stretch people," mom would tell herself when she needed to remember it was worth the work of doing it well.
So, I try to stretch myself. To love my life robustly. To be brave.
When I was a little girl I had a memorable, horrible, most painfully frightening nightmare: My mom was being attacked in our home by a cluster of evil clowns while I hid under a table. It stuck with me and was an exact example of what frightens me most about myself: That I am a coward. That I am not brave. That I will hide under a table because I am so afraid of being the one that is seen, the one that is hurt, the one who is the victim, that I will not move toward the scary chaos of clowns to help even the person I love most.
A version of this fear still visits me in nightmares but the better I get at stepping forward into growth, rather than stepping backward into safety, the less the nightmares affect me.
Looking over all my years I can see the influence I have on myself; the impressive impact these small promises I make to me can have. A few of my ideas fizzled (like the one where I vowed to buy myself one pair of pants a month so my pants wouldn't all have holes in them. I think I bought two pairs? But the fizzle wasn't me giving up, it was me realizing I didn't want what I thought I wanted.) but most of them have simply become a part of me. Nothing dramatic in the moment, just small trajectory shifts. Shifts that are dramatic in the long run.
So, I will be brave.
I will say the thing I want and I will share the idea I think is of value and I will nudge the child even if I might be wrong and I will write the story that might not be good.
I will not always be right or wise.
But I will be brave.
I will be brave and see if I like the influence I have on me and our lives.
Frequently Asked Questions
NOTE: Researched FAQs by Disabled World (DW)
What is the difference between healthy caution and fear-based avoidance?
Healthy caution is based on a realistic look at timing, risk, and whether action is needed. Fear-based avoidance is driven mainly by worry about failing or being judged, even when acting would help. Asking whether you would still hold back if no one were watching can help tell the two apart.
How can siblings of disabled children cope with embarrassment in public?
Embarrassment is a common and normal feeling for siblings. Talking openly with parents, joining sibling support groups, and learning simple ways to explain a brother or sister's needs to others can ease the pressure. It also helps to remember that onlookers' reactions say more about unfamiliarity than about the family.
Are there support programs specifically for siblings of people with disabilities?
Yes. Programs such as Sibshops and the Sibling Support Project in the United States offer peer groups, workshops, and online communities for brothers and sisters of people with disabilities and health conditions. Many local disability organizations and hospitals also run sibling groups.
Why do people fear being seen making mistakes more than the mistakes themselves?
Humans are social beings, and concern about reputation and belonging runs deep. Psychologists describe this as fear of negative evaluation, which can make the possibility of public judgment feel more threatening than the actual consequences of an error.
Can practicing small acts of courage really change behavior over time?
Yes. Repeated small actions build familiarity and confidence, a principle used in gradual exposure approaches in cognitive behavioral therapy. Each manageable step makes the next one feel less threatening, and over time new habits replace avoidance.
How can parents of disabled children help the public become more accepting?
Taking part in community life, being open about a child's needs, and modeling calm and respectful responses all help. Regular, positive contact with people who have disabilities is one of the most effective ways to reduce stigma and misunderstanding.
Did the COVID-19 pandemic change how people think about taking risks in life?
Many people reported reassessing priorities during and after the pandemic, including relationships, work, and personal goals. For some, the experience of lockdowns created a stronger sense that waiting for the right moment can mean missing opportunities altogether.
When should fear or anxiety be discussed with a professional?
If fear regularly stops you from doing everyday tasks, affects relationships or work, causes physical symptoms, or leads to persistent avoidance, it is worth speaking with a doctor or mental health professional. Effective treatments for anxiety are widely available.
Insights, Analysis, and Developments
Editorial Note: What makes this essay worth reading is its refusal to tidy things up. The writer admits she once blamed her mother, judged herself, and later raised sons who were every bit as disruptive as the brothers she had been embarrassed by in public, and she owns that much of it came from her own parenting. That honesty matters for families living with disability, where siblings often carry quiet pressure to manage how the outside world sees them. Her mother's reminder that "we stretch people" points to something research on family resilience and inclusion keeps returning to: acceptance tends to grow through visibility and repeated contact, not by staying home. The takeaway is not that fear disappears, but that learning to tell the difference between real caution and fear dressed up as manners, then acting anyway, can slowly make a life feel more like one's own.*
Author Credentials: Tsara Shelton, author of Spinning in Circles and Learning From Myself, is a contributing editor to Disabled World. She is also the oldest daughter of international brain change and behavior expert Dr. Lynette Louise ("The Brain Broad"). Explore Tsara's complete biography for comprehensive insights into her background, expertise, and accomplishments.
* Editorial additions by Ian C. Langtree.